I’ve just come home at the end of the day. It’s mid-May and it’s raining hard here in London…again. The sky is grey and the water pours off my umbrella.
And yet, as I get home and make myself a cup of tea, I feel a deep and profound sense of contentment. Not the kind of giddy happiness of good news; it’s not exhilarating or euphoric. I just feel happy. Like there is a warm glow – a deep yellow-orange light like sunshine at the end of the day – right in the centre of being. There is a little hint of a smile playing on the corners of my mouth, a private smile to myself but one that makes me touch each and every person, like I could pass this feeling on.
For the first time in a long time, I feel the urge to write. I can feel the words flowing through me; they pour through my head, into my fingers and out onto the keyboard.
I post something on Instagram. It’s not much; I can’t find an image that sums up how this feels but I feel the need to tell the world that I feel…well, I feel satisfied. Like it all makes sense. Which is funny, because it really doesn’t right now – I don’t know what my purpose is or how I’m going to make this portfolio career thing work – but none of that matters. That’s all just “stuff”. What matters is this feeling – this is what I wanted to create. This is how I wanted to feel last year when I was crying in the toilets at work, when life felt dark and hopeless, when I just wanted to curl up under the duvet and never come out again.
This is why I left my job (yep, again – this journey of transition continues). Because I knew, deep down, that there was more to life than seniority and status and responsibility. Because I wanted work that I didn’t need to balance; a life that I didn’t need a holiday from. Because I knew I wasn’t happy and I knew I could be.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sunshine and kittens. I slept badly last night, waking up at 3am worrying about money (totally unnecessarily but I’m learning that the downside of freelancing is that you always have one eye on what happens after this contract ends). I’ve had some really dull, drawdown days doing work that doesn’t exactly thrill me. But it’s all worth it for days like today….having a little lie-in (until 7am, people, 7am!), going for a run in the sunshine (this is London and it can’t be spring without experiencing at least one other season in a day), pottering through my day and getting loads of good stuff done, then coming and spending some time with someone special. I love that I can work at my own pace, moving to tasks as I want to rather than on someone else’s demands and schedule – the flow feels good, people!
So that’s it. There’s no real point to this post and that’s fine. It simply feels good to acknowledge how I’m feeling and to write – who knows, maybe this marks a new period of regular writing again. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter.
Whatever you’re up to as you read this, I wish you joy. Sending you all light and love xxx